4 minute read

Hello? This is Frank. I came in yesterday to pick up the keys for flat 65. OK? I don’t see why you have to look it up on the computer, it was only yesterday. I didn’t speak to one of your colleagues, no, I spoke to you. I remember you. Blonde hair. You were doing your nails. I came by about 3 pm?

Anyway, it’s about the flat. Flat 65. Eagle Court. I just said. Flat 65. That’s it. No, you don’t need the file I just need to- Ok fine, I’ll hold.

This music is terrible. Come on, haven’t got all day.

No sorry, I wasn’t talking to you. I was just annoyed at the hold music. Hove you ever thought of changing it? It’s a bit loud, especially when your phone seems to be so quiet. Yes, that’s better. Yes, thank you. I appreciate it.

Well, the problem is I went to move my stuff in today and-.I didn’t have time yesterday, no. Was still sorting it from the old place. Anyway, I got there a bit early, before the removal van to check it over. The inventory had been done yesterday. No, I couldn’t make it for that. No, I know you should go along to these things. Yes, I agree it’s useful. I just couldn’t make it, that’s all.

Anyway, I went over there today and the house is crawling with spiders. Yep, spiders. Floor to ceiling. Every surface is covered in them. Billions of them. I’m not exaggerating, no. They’re crawling all over each over, all over the kitchen and the bathroom and everywhere really. Piles of them, all different sizes. Large tarantulas, tiny money spiders.  Everything in between.

Well, it’s not really acceptable, no. I just don’t know why it wasn’t mentioned in the inventory. No, it’s not. I’m looking at it now. I found it on the counter, under a pile of baby spiders. It lists all the kitchen stuff. Says it’s in good nick. Says the bathroom is in need of a clean and the wardrobe doors in the bedroom are worn. Say absolutely nothing about an infestation of spiders covering every visible surface. No, nothing.

Well, I’m not too happy with this, to be honest. I mean, would you be? I haven’t been able to move my stuff in. I’ve moved out of the old place so I’m sort of in limbo at the moment. No, I can’t just move my stuff in. Because it would get covered in spiders instantly.

Yes, I’ll hold.

Bloody stupid music again. Arg.

Hello? What? No, I will not accept them as a bonus. It’s not an added extra, is it? You never book a hotel room and they say ‘Did you want thousands of arachnids over your pillow. Arachnids. Yes. It’s the Latin name for spiders. I don’t know, it just sounds better sometimes. No, I am not getting annoyed. Yes, I will try to calm down. But you have to understand I’m a bit wound up because of the thousands if not millions of eight-legged beasts that are currently squatting in my flat.

Look, can you just send someone round to look at it? I’m not happy. Where am I going to live? No, I can’t live in this place. Because of the spiders. Yes. I keep mentioning them because I’m really annoyed about it.

Send someone round to look. I know they came round yesterday but clearly, it’s happened in between. No, I won’t wait a week. Because I’ve got nowhere to live. Because this place is full of spiders.

Can I speak to your manager? Oh. Are you? Well, why do you not care about the safety of your tenants? Do you get this all the time, houses infested from floor to ceiling? You seem remarkably blasé about this. No, blasé. It’s French.

SEND SOMEONE ROUND. MY HOUSE IS FULL OF SPIDERS. I don’t know how else to say it for God’s sake you half-brained, feeble-minded-

No. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose my temper. I understand it’s a stressful job. I know you don’t need people like me making it- I know. I apologise. I’m sorry, ok. I shouldn’t have shouted. Hey, don’t cry. I’m sorry. I’m just a little frustrated. Because my house is crawling with spiders.

You will? Brilliant. Oh. Can they not come out sooner? I mean, where am I going to sleep? I’ve only hired the van for today. Because I thought I was going to move in. Because That was the date we agreed.

Ok, don’t cry again. I didn’t even get that annoyed. Yes, I know my tone was cruel. I apologise. I’ll try to moderate it in future. Yes. No thank you, you’ve been a great help. So Friday, 6 pm? I can wait for the man to come round. I’ll get a hotel or something I guess. Put the boxes in storage.

Thanks. You’ve been a great help. No, I’m not just saying that. I’m not. Go get a cup of tea and relax. Oh really? Maybe not then. Don’t want to risk a reaction. Maybe just put your feet up. Ok. Many thanks. Bye.

Bloody stupid fucking idiots.

Sorry, I didn’t mean you. I thought I hung up.



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